The farther away I get from my miscarriage, the more emotional I seem to get. This Sunday would have been my half way point - 20 weeks. And it is the baby shower of a close friend. I decided not to go because I fear I will be an emotional wreck. Does that make me a bad friend? She lost triplets and so I am thrilled that she is having a healthy pregnancy. But with it being my half way mark, I am not sure I would be able to keep from crying.
Mother's Day is next weekend and that is also causing me to tear up every now and then. I keep thinking that I should be a mommy-to-be and yet I am back at square one, hoping for a positive test, but feeling that this month was a failure. I was stressed out with my job situation, and even though we timed it well, I think the stress affected me.
I honestly will be quite happy when Mother's Day is over because it is a constant reminder that I am not a mom in most people's view. My baby never made it. I never got to hold it. All I have is a beautiful rose bush that is blooming like crazy. I want to know when it will be my turn.
I also got my cycle day 3 blood work back and it is all normal. The
doctor is referring me to a rheumatologist because of one slightly
elevated test. Since I have so many joint problems and aches, I am sure
it is early arthritis. It won't affect my chances of conception, but
certainly will help me feel more comfortable if there is something that
can be done to help my joints.
Today is 11 days past
ovulation and I have no idea about this cycle. I have been virtually
unable to track my temperatures due to waking up several times a night
between 12 and 5. That is so frustrating as I have always been able to
track my temperatures nicely. Due to this and a lack of any symptoms, I
am just not feeling confident this month.
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