For the second day in a row, I cried driving home from work. It is cycle day 2, Mother's Day is this weekend and I am just upset. This was supposed to be my first Mother's Day as I would have been 21 weeks. Instead I am sad, missing my baby and starting a new cycle.
My mom is really looking forward to Sunday and being able to have brunch with my husband and I, but I am not sure how much fun I will have. All these constant reminders - flowers, cards, babies - flashing like a neon sign reminding me that I lost my baby and am not the mom I want to be! While others get showered with love and affection on Sunday, I will be feeling like part of me is missing.
The world does not stop to recognize those of us with angel babies on a day like Mother's Day. Part of me wants to just stay in bed all day Sunday and hide from the world. I know I can't do that. My mom deserves better. But how am I supposed to be happy and all smiles when inside I am hurting so bad.
This is the worst I have been since February when I lost my little one. I keep tearing up and sometimes even the tears fall - like right now. I worry that I won't have a baby by next Mother's Day or even be pregnant. What if this was my one and only time? I know I should not think that, but since there are women I know who have had 5 losses, I know it is possible. And time is not on my side. I know there are lots of other women out there who understand what I am feeling. I need someone in real life who does. My husband tries to comfort me.
No comments:
Post a Comment