A Beautiful Sapphire

I am starting this blog 5 weeks after the loss of our first child. We have been married since June 2005 and trying to extend our family since August 2009. I will be 41 in April and that is not helping matters. My husband will be 43 in July. After 17 months of really charting using Fertility Friend, I was shocked and thrilled to find out I was pregnant on January 15, 2012. I started a journal of my pregnancy, where I shared my thoughts with my future child. The baby was to be born in September (around the 21st) so I called it my Sapphire Baby.

Everything was progressing smoothly, or so it seemed until February 8th when I started spotting. The next day an ultrasound showed that even though I was 7 weeks and 5 days, the baby had stopped growing at 5 weeks and 5 days. I was devastated. The next night, February 10th, I officially miscarried. We were not able to find out if it was a boy or a girl, so it remains "Sapphire."

We planted a rose bush, a "double delight," in the backyard in honor of our lost little one. It is growing like crazy and has its first bud. I cannot wait until it opens to take another picture and share.

Realizing we may some day move and not always have the rose bush, we also bought this little blue teddy bear whose name is Sapphire.

Now that my system has returned to normal and I am ready to try again, I find myself sometimes more emotional. Today is one such day as my husband is out of town and it is raining hard. This was the week we were going to tell our friends. They all have children now, some easily and some went through major hurdles to get their take home babies. I feel the need to be able to write about my feelings and my fears as we continue this journey of waiting and wishing for a baby to hold in our arms and to give all our love.